There are some facts about me that you all might not know and might get to wondering.
I’m an orphan. Not like, wondering along the streets Oliver Twist style or working for the man a la Annie. My parents died a few years ago and now it’s just me and my brother, Andrew, who is in the Navy and in Japan. He always calls and sends gifts and I always spend holidays with one friend or another so usually it’s not too bad.
So John was kind enough to bring me to yet another potential slaughter—his family reunion. Now, I know you’re saying, “He hasn’t killed you yet and he’s had plenty of opportunity.” But the thing about monsters is they’re not practical. It’s more rewarding to them that I trust them before they kill me
I can hear them saying, “Haha, puny human! We have tricked and killed you!” as they munch on my bones.
So I went to the reunion on full alert. I was watching out for everything. No danger was going to come to me, no sir. I had my game face on and my new cast acted like a neato shield to protect me from the dangers that lie in this monster family reunion.
First we roasted marshmallows. I did catch them all on fire because of my rapt attention on all the monster traps laid out for me.
John played it all cool like he wasn’t planning to kill me and gave me all his perfectly roasted marshmallows. He must have been fattening me up so when they had Molly roast, I was nice and juicy.
His family was full of cyclopes and it made me wonder if the women realized that their husbands were cyclops. Like, they were having cyclops children, DID THEY KNOW IT?
They were actually very nice and all the cyclops really gravitated towards me. It was like John brought a still famous and widely accepted pop star to the party. And it was awesome.
There are a few things I find to be amazing about the Fourth of July.
2. Grilled food.
8. The National Anthem.
10. P O P – I T S.
There is nothing cooler than throwing tissue paper filled with rocks at the ground. NOTHING.
I also feel like the National Anthem is much more awesome on the Fourth of July. Like the feeling that the whole country is feeling the same emotions as you are. I also feel really proud of my brother when I hear the National Anthem.
One thing I really hate about the Fourth is the Snake. This is probably the worst concept of firework every created. Really. It smells nasty. It looks stupid. And it’s lame. Not even four-year old cyclops children can get excited about it. I think adults buy them to slap children in the face with adulthood—not everything is cool when you’re adult. “Some things are lame, we’re breaking this in with a stupid snake thing.” Crying is perfectly acceptable at any age 25 and under.
The lameness of the snake was made up for by four foot sparklers. Now the unfortunate part of these sparklers is that children smaller than four feet shouldn’t use them. And by unfortunate I mean amazing because that means I can play with them without seeming in the least strange. It’s like when you amp up the firepower of something, it makes it mature in an immature way.
The point is: It is acceptable for me to play with a four foot sparkler while jumping around giddy like a small child.
As the sun went down on our picnic, we made our trek towards the fireworks. It was a long trek, John got us lost (was taking me to the slaughter place but realized I was wise to him so feigned being lost and turned around to find the right road). Then we arrived and parked along the side of the road to view our fireworks. We could see the people getting the fireworks ready.
I would like to be a person that sets fireworks off because I imagine they set them up on a long line and someone runs past with a torch. If this is not how they do it, then they’re stupid. This is the only feasible way to light fireworks.
John says they do it with electricity and buttons. I say BULL.
When we got out of the car (so I could jump giddily around with small sparklers), we noticed the over whelming stench of cows. I love cows for a few reasons.
4. Ice Cream
Why calves you say? They are the MOST adorable baby animal. Ever. Have you ever seen a calf romp around in field? No? Then... YOU. HAVEN’T. LIVED. Not a life worth living anyway.
So the cows watched me spell my name and John’s name and a heart and a circle as I yelled, “OMG! JOHN, LOOK A CIRCLE, A CIRCLE!” He laughed at me in an “I think you’re cute” kind of way but I know that he was secretly planning my demise. Monsters are sneaky that way, I know.
And then we watched the fireworks with the cows. All in all, I think the cows were impressed. I assume this is a pretty exciting time for them, it’s not every day that the humans take an interest in their entertainment and plan special events right by their pasture. I bet they look forward to the Fourth of the July every year. I bet all the like teenage calves are telling all the toddler calves, “You are not going to believe this manure! It’s like big bursts of color crap.” And the toddler calves fall asleep before they even go off but the kindergarten age calves are all up on those fireworks.
And so this was how my Fourth of July ended with John the Cyclops. With an amazing display of fireworks while we played with sparklers (I bought 20 boxes, okay, don’t judge). Oh and a romantic kiss thrown in there for fun and my personal enjoyment.