Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Holding out for a Hero


There’s something about dippy eggs that make me feel like I’m eating a baby chicken. The possibility of a baby chicken, the potential. I see little faces in those yokes, little bits of potential KFC. It’s really quite depressing and so I only eat scrambled eggs.

That’s what I was doing, minding my own business, eating my scrambled eggs in the school cafeteria. I was all alone because none of my friends really felt the need to get up to have the powdered eggs and greasy sausage served at the school cafeteria.

I, on the other hand, find powdered eggs and greasy sausage to be the breakfast of champions. I love scrambled eggs. There is no other way to put it, I will get up early every morning just to schlep into the cafeteria to eat scrambled eggs-powdered or not.

And this is where, Arthur happened upon me for the second time. He sat down next to me and I casually slid my phone into my pocket because he was an unsafe person to have my phone out around—it might fall again.

And he started talking and I couldn’t help but think, This Arthur kid, he likes dippy eggs. He loves dippy eggs because it makes him feel like he’s eating a baby chicken.

And he was talking, talking a lot. Just wouldn’t stop talking and I zoned out thinking about John because one of the words I couldn’t help but hearing was “cyclops.” And John is one cute and awesome cyclops, don’t you think?

Then I heard the word “kill.”

So Arthur started in on this ridiculous plan to kill the Cyclops, my Cyclops.

“You lay one figure on that guy and I’ll put you in a world of pain you won’t be able to escape.”

“I don’t need to,” he said before walking away.

I thought what is this kid’s problem? John is the cutest boy I’ve ever met and he’s sweet and nice. I decided then he must have a massive crush on my John and was really unhappy because John didn’t feel the same way and instead of just taking it as a “that sucks” kind of thing put out a personal vendetta on him. It’s not his fault he has a thing for
cyclops and it’s not John’s fault he has a thing for girls. You can’t change how you feel.

I thought, what kind of plan does this guy have that he won’t have to lay a finger on John to kill him?

Quite frankly, Arthur, like King Arthur, looked like he had the combined genius of Wiley E. Coyote and Elmer Fudd. I didn’t see his plans working out very well.

I was sure, after that, he was on the phone with Acme ordering his anvil to kill my John.

So I finished my eggs and I left the cafeteria.

And I started walking to class thinking about how angry I would become if Arthur actually hurt John.

The possibilities of Arthur actually hurting John were slim. However, even weirdos with too many names kill presidents, you know? Like how hard is it to tie an anvil to a rope and hang it above a door? It takes what a well placed order online and some mechanical skill.

I’m not sure Arthur could actually LIFT an anvil. Maybe he could rent help. Like janitors can’t make that much money and sure what do they care if they’re killing one of the students? One less person to clean up after (after the initial squishy death with blood).

And what would I do then? I found a boy to like, sure he’s a cyclops, but really… couldn’t it be worse? John could be like into MMOs. He could sit all day farming for gold that doesn’t exist. Not that I know what that’s like or have ever done it until the hours became days and the days weeks and then I had an epic flying mount. I haven’t.

So, there I would be with a bloody mess of a cyclops unless they turn into like dust or burst into flame or something equally cool. Diamonds maybe, he diamondizes upon death. It would be lucrative.

So, I’d have to make good on my promise of putting Arthur in a world of pain that he could never escape. I could torture him in a way that wouldn’t require much effort for me.

Maybe I could pay Anna to walk in front of this Arthur kid, parading about his inability to get chicks due to his overall suckiness. And then he’d have that pain to deal with—that everyone is all like, “Arthur is such a loser, he can’t get a girl-even one that walks around in front of him naked.” Not that I think a naked girl would be easy to hit on unless you’re in a strip club. But then, I feel like everyone else doesn’t realize Anna is mostly naked anyway.

So there is step 1 of torture Arthur. And step 2 could be to hack his computer so that every time he clicks a link it goes to lemonparty.org.

And step 3 would be the one that did him in. I’d sneak into his room every night and use up his pens and all the lead in his pencils so everytime he went to write, he couldn’t because all of his pens and pencils were used up.

And then, he’d die because he realized that his life was nothing but torture and I would stand with my foot on his lifeless head like an explorer who just discovered a new land and is getting his picture taken to make money.

And then, once I had taken care of Arthur through heineous torture unapproved by the Geneva convention due to it’s downright inhumane nature and vicious evilness, I would bring John the Cyclops back to life and we could sail into the sunset and live happily ever after.




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15 comments:

  1. This is such a cool blog. ^^
    You write really well.
    Can I meet the Cyclops?

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  2. Ha! For the longest time I couldn't figure out what people meant when they said "dippy eggs". (I don't eat eggs.) Made me feel like a total moron not to get a concept that a 3-year-old understood completely.

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  3. Thanks for checking out my blogs guys! I appreciate it :)

    @AZ: I am glad you like it! Meet the cyclops that I call mine mine miney mine? No way, Jose!
    -_^ lol

    @Josin: Yeah, I don't know why anyone would want to dip ANYTHING in that goop! It's nasty and gross and I have NEVER in my life liked it. It's just nasty nasty nasty.

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  4. Bahhahaha your drawings are hilarious. But why aren't they on blank paper instead of the ones with lines? Hmmm.... and I LOVE DIPPY EGGS. I LOVE DIPPY EGGS WITH FRIES. That is breakfast of champions, and sausage too, NOT BACON. *muah*

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  5. @Annah: I'm glad you like my drawings! When I draw them, I have to present them to people and say "Are these funny enough?" The people looking are usually busy (playing video games) so I have to stomp my foot and demand attention just for a "yeah sure." Living with boys-not glamorous.

    What's wrong with lined paper? I happen to like it best! Even if I got nifty enough with the computer to do them on there, I would always have to put them on a lined background, I just love it!

    Thanks for stopping by, SCRAMBLED FOR EVA!

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  6. I LOVE your blog
    Thanks for inviting me to visit .. I am now following you

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  7. @K: I'm so glad stopped by and liked it! Thanks for following me too!

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  8. Your blog is so cool! I love the illustrations too, they work perfectly.

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  9. @Moose: Thanks for coming by! I'm glad you like the drawings; as I've stated, a lot of effort goes into them. :)

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  10. :) Love your blog. It made me smile. Now following. :)

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  11. Hehe I love the pics and love the blogs! I meet a lot of people like Arthur. I need to plot to kill them. ^^

    I also prefer scrambled eggs. They're just . . . better. :D

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  12. @Me: I'm so glad you stopped by! I appreciate the support :)

    @Zella: Yeah, you have to do the plotting to kill all careful like and devise ways to look innocent while you stand all conquerer-like over their dead bodies ^_^

    That's right, scrambled fa life!

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  13. Thanks for the heads-up to your blog. Cute drawings & excellent storytelling. I'll be keeping an eye (heh) on this space to see what comes next :)

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  14. I love your blog.

    *wants a monster too*

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  15. @Miss Orange: I'm so glad you came by, maybe you should keep two eyes out because there are no girl cyclopes!

    @Anuradha: I will look for one for you! Do you have any preferences?

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Thanks for stopping by. What do you think of my life with monsters?