Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Holding out for a Hero
There’s something about dippy eggs that make me feel like I’m eating a baby chicken. The possibility of a baby chicken, the potential. I see little faces in those yokes, little bits of potential KFC. It’s really quite depressing and so I only eat scrambled eggs.
That’s what I was doing, minding my own business, eating my scrambled eggs in the school cafeteria. I was all alone because none of my friends really felt the need to get up to have the powdered eggs and greasy sausage served at the school cafeteria.
I, on the other hand, find powdered eggs and greasy sausage to be the breakfast of champions. I love scrambled eggs. There is no other way to put it, I will get up early every morning just to schlep into the cafeteria to eat scrambled eggs-powdered or not.
And this is where, Arthur happened upon me for the second time. He sat down next to me and I casually slid my phone into my pocket because he was an unsafe person to have my phone out around—it might fall again.
And he started talking and I couldn’t help but think, This Arthur kid, he likes dippy eggs. He loves dippy eggs because it makes him feel like he’s eating a baby chicken.
And he was talking, talking a lot. Just wouldn’t stop talking and I zoned out thinking about John because one of the words I couldn’t help but hearing was “cyclops.” And John is one cute and awesome cyclops, don’t you think?
Then I heard the word “kill.”
So Arthur started in on this ridiculous plan to kill the Cyclops, my Cyclops.
“You lay one figure on that guy and I’ll put you in a world of pain you won’t be able to escape.”
“I don’t need to,” he said before walking away.
I thought what is this kid’s problem? John is the cutest boy I’ve ever met and he’s sweet and nice. I decided then he must have a massive crush on my John and was really unhappy because John didn’t feel the same way and instead of just taking it as a “that sucks” kind of thing put out a personal vendetta on him. It’s not his fault he has a thing for
cyclops and it’s not John’s fault he has a thing for girls. You can’t change how you feel.
I thought, what kind of plan does this guy have that he won’t have to lay a finger on John to kill him?
Quite frankly, Arthur, like King Arthur, looked like he had the combined genius of Wiley E. Coyote and Elmer Fudd. I didn’t see his plans working out very well.
I was sure, after that, he was on the phone with Acme ordering his anvil to kill my John.
So I finished my eggs and I left the cafeteria.
And I started walking to class thinking about how angry I would become if Arthur actually hurt John.
The possibilities of Arthur actually hurting John were slim. However, even weirdos with too many names kill presidents, you know? Like how hard is it to tie an anvil to a rope and hang it above a door? It takes what a well placed order online and some mechanical skill.
I’m not sure Arthur could actually LIFT an anvil. Maybe he could rent help. Like janitors can’t make that much money and sure what do they care if they’re killing one of the students? One less person to clean up after (after the initial squishy death with blood).
And what would I do then? I found a boy to like, sure he’s a cyclops, but really… couldn’t it be worse? John could be like into MMOs. He could sit all day farming for gold that doesn’t exist. Not that I know what that’s like or have ever done it until the hours became days and the days weeks and then I had an epic flying mount. I haven’t.
So, there I would be with a bloody mess of a cyclops unless they turn into like dust or burst into flame or something equally cool. Diamonds maybe, he diamondizes upon death. It would be lucrative.
So, I’d have to make good on my promise of putting Arthur in a world of pain that he could never escape. I could torture him in a way that wouldn’t require much effort for me.
Maybe I could pay Anna to walk in front of this Arthur kid, parading about his inability to get chicks due to his overall suckiness. And then he’d have that pain to deal with—that everyone is all like, “Arthur is such a loser, he can’t get a girl-even one that walks around in front of him naked.” Not that I think a naked girl would be easy to hit on unless you’re in a strip club. But then, I feel like everyone else doesn’t realize Anna is mostly naked anyway.
So there is step 1 of torture Arthur. And step 2 could be to hack his computer so that every time he clicks a link it goes to lemonparty.org.
And step 3 would be the one that did him in. I’d sneak into his room every night and use up his pens and all the lead in his pencils so everytime he went to write, he couldn’t because all of his pens and pencils were used up.
And then, he’d die because he realized that his life was nothing but torture and I would stand with my foot on his lifeless head like an explorer who just discovered a new land and is getting his picture taken to make money.
And then, once I had taken care of Arthur through heineous torture unapproved by the Geneva convention due to it’s downright inhumane nature and vicious evilness, I would bring John the Cyclops back to life and we could sail into the sunset and live happily ever after.