When you bring flaming onion volcanoes of awesome to the dating arena who can fail?
John the Cyclops arrived at my dorm promptly at 6:30 pm to go out to dinner at Benihana. It was his suggestion so he won points on that. A lot of points because I love watching people cook my food. It makes me feel like a queen. A queen of awkward Asian men. I'm okay with that.
He is a very handsome cyclops and I noticed that I'm the only one that notes the one eye. My roommate opened the door to him sans stupid glasses and said nothing. In fact, her jaw dropped because she spends hours in front of the mirror everyday trying to make her boring self look pretty and yet I, the one who doesn't put goop in my hair and spends two minutes doing my makeup, am the one who is being picked up by a handsome, tall blond man for a date and I am the one with pink roses on my desk.
He smiled and I smiled. We both smiled.
"Your dress is really nice, Molly. You look great in pink," John said loud enough for my roommate to hear. She turned pink.
Then we got in his car and we went to Benihana.
At Benihana, John ordered sushi which really just sounded like "Nemo rolls, please." Whenever anyone orders sushi, all I can think about is this anonymously photoshopped picture of Nemo sushi. It makes me cry a little and to get past it I have to sing, "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming," over and over in my head.
I can't hold his lack of foresight of my exaggerated distaste of sushi against him.
And so we chatted, I asked John about his major.
"Well, my brothers and I all like engineering. It's what our dad does and our uncles and our grandfather." He paused and looked at me. I was lost in a world where he had brothers and they were all as cute as him. Despite the fact that I knew they were cyclopes, I was starting to get into the habit of imagining his eye and I think that's how he fooled so many people.
"Why do you all want to do the same thing?" I asked, trying to distract him by the fact that I'd become distracted.
He shrugged, "It's what we want to do. We like building stuff."
That's when I remembered that Wikepedia told me that cyclopes were historically blacksmiths which makes sense.
"I guess that's cool," but what I really meant was, "I would figure you monster types would be more interested in breaking stuff."
He looked down at his Nemo sushi then back up.
"Well, as long as you play with Lego's anyway. Those are the coolest building materials anyway."
And so John laughed and it was manly but boyish laugh, like he really enjoyed my lame joke. "When we were little, my dad bought Lego's for us all the time because we would always need more." He paused to make sure I wasn't bored and that I wanted to hear his story.
"We would build cities out of the blocks. We have pictures of us, in diapers, building huge cities of Lego's in the living room. With sky scrapers and bridges and we would put our toy cars in there."
And so I realized that this man was not a monster that destroyed things like those horrible stories and Wikepedia might lead me to believe. And he was just like an normal person, just with one less eye. And extremely tall.
"I still play with Legos and I love to make spaceships out of them and fly them around like they're on a grand sci-fi adventure through space."
"Like Star Wars?"
"Yes, but much cooler. Like all the good ones combined, like Lost in Space and Star Trek and Star Wars and Stargate and just everything. And they have lives of love and loss and struggle."
John laughed, "So you like to tell stories? All of the stories, not just the facts but all that is in the world?"
"But the entire scope of the world is the story."
"Then you are a bard and that is the power you hold over me," he said and it was so flirty and complimentary but a part of me felt disheartened like he had said, "You're not really pretty or special, you have a magical power over me."
He seemed to realize his mistake, "But your beauty and mind make the power pointless."
His apology was better than any other apology that I'd ever heard in my life and he didn't even say he was sorry.
And that's when the dragon-lady chef showed up. She had nice eyes and John took my hand like he could see the dragon lady and wanted to me know that it'd be okay. My heart was racing from the warmth of his big hand and the ability for the dragon-lady chef to eat my head in one itsy-bitsy nibble.
She was a nice lady and then it was, I realized, that I must be dropping acid while I sleep. It was the only explanation for the hallucinations. That or I was schizophrenic. Either was totally possible. I'm not sure where the acid would be coming from.
So I opened my phone and I Googled it. I know that it's rude to Google on a date, but I did it and I don't think John cared.
This is what Wikipedia told me:
Schizophrenia (pronounced /ˌskɪtsɵˈfrɛniə/ or /ˌskɪtsɵˈfriːniə/) is a mental disorder characterized by abnormalities in the perception or expression of reality. It most commonly manifests as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions, or disorganized speech and thinking with significant social or occupational dysfunction.HOW in the hell does someone pronounce ˌskɪtsɵˈfrɛniə?! I only know 26 letters, and pronouncing them upside down is really difficult but not doable at a hibachi grill. And even if I could, saying them upside down sounds the same as right side up.
And then I got distracted from being distracted by trying to pronounce an upside down e by John whispering in my ear with his breath warm giving me tingles. "You're not crazy, just enjoy your dinner."
So my research at Benihana was inconclusive.